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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24499729">Midnight</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hey_Angel1989/pseuds/Hey_Angel1989'>Hey_Angel1989</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Addiction, Depression, Heavy Angst, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:41:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,989</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24499729</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hey_Angel1989/pseuds/Hey_Angel1989</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm sorry Liam.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Liam loved his boys. He didn’t mean it like in a passing by sort of way...no, he really loved them.</p>
<p>They were his rocks, the people he trusted with his life, the people he’d take a bullet for. He would take a bullet for any of them really. Honestly.</p>
<p>What he struggled with however as he would come to realize later in his life is that he never seemed to prioritize himself.</p>
<p>Everything he did was for them, especially early on. He’d spend nights calming Zayn down from his anxiety, he’d spend hours listening to Louis talk about where he wanted to go in life, he’d listen to Niall laugh about something that happened three days prior, and he’d enjoy every minute of Harry’s stories, even if it took him an hour to get to the point.</p>
<p>He loved them. </p>
<p>Without them, he was nothing, and deep down he knew that. They’d never say that to him of course, but he knew. </p>
<p>Growing up, Liam didn’t have a lot of friends, so when he had four of them tossed into his life, he just held on and never let them go.</p>
<p>Louis used to make fun of him for it, how often Liam would check up on them, even after the band split up. </p>
<p>When they were younger it was easy for them to keep up. All Liam had to do was roll out of his bunk or knock on a hotel room door to see his best friends. But now it consisted of missed texts and phone calls, misconstrued words and apologies for not being around more often.</p>
<p>He tried, but like most things in his life...well..we’ll get to that later.</p>
<p>The wind felt cold on his bones as he sat out on his balcony. It was odd for how cold it was actually, It was only September, yet it felt like December. He took a sip of the whisky sitting on the glass table next to him. The warmth sliding down his throat, numbing his mind just a little bit. He leaned forward a bit, resting his head against the railing, looking down through the slits at the people that passed by. </p>
<p>It was dark out, but the streetlights showed people scattered throughout the city. He watched as one couple passed by, the slender looking man with his hand placed on the small of his partners back. Liam took a long sip and coughed a bit before rubbing his eyes. </p>
<p>He stood up steadily from his seat, making his way to the kitchen where he let the glass slide into the sink. It fell hard against the other plates and glasses that were filling up inside. He didn’t care.</p>
<p>He looked at the clock above the oven. 8:30 p.m. he sighed, rubbing his face, realizing he didn’t have much time before he needed to be there.</p>
<p>He made his way through the darkly lit home into his bedroom. Clothes dirtied the corner of his room next to the broken lamp that laid in pieces. He’d meant to get around to cleaning it up, but I mean..what was the use right?</p>
<p>Liam grabbed a dress shirt from the closet and began buttoning it up, staring at himself in the mirror, feeling his scruff wondering if he should shave. He decided against it.</p>
<p>It was quiet in the house.</p>
<p>It had been since she left.</p>
<p>Well that night actually.</p>
<p>Liam had spent his whole life working to make people like him, so to find out that the one he’d worked so hard to keep around him didn’t like him anymore stung deeply. It wasn’t even that she didn’t love him. He’d fallen out of love several times in his life, but this one...this one stung. It stung because she hit him with the truth.</p>
<p>failure.</p>
<p>That’s what she’d called him, among other things. She’d smashed glasses, picture frames, paintings on her way out, but that wasn’t what fucked him up. It’s what she said before she slammed the door in his face.</p>
<p>“Everything you do in life you find a way to screw up,” she sneered. “You’re nothing but a loser who rides on the coattails of his friends. Nobody even likes to be around you, you know that?”</p>
<p>He stared at her, not knowing what else to respond with. They’d already fought for an hour. Every nasty word, every insult had come out of each of their mouths, there wasn’t anything he could say to hurt her anymore. But she knew. She knew because he’d told her his fears. He’d opened up about his insecurities and let her see the side of him only a select few knew. </p>
<p>So she used it. She used it against him.</p>
<p>“You’re a failure Liam,” she said. “Nothing more, nothing less...just a failure.”</p>
<p>The door slammed shut and he heard the car drive off and fade into the distance. </p>
<p>He blinked, taking him back into reality. He took another glance in the mirror, blinking slowly as he judged the bags under his eyes. They were glazed over. To be fair he’d been drinking for quite a while, but he didn’t feel it anymore. It just felt..numb. He looked tired.</p>
<p>Would photographers be there? He sighed, moving to the sink and splashing some water in his face in hopes it would make him look better. He forced a smile at himself, practicing for the party. </p>
<p>Maybe no one would notice, he thought as he grabbed his jacket off the hook and made his way back through the house. All he had to do was smile for a few hours, he thought as he grabbed his keys and dialed his Uber. </p>
<p>How hard could it be?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His ride was a quiet one. He liked that because frankly he was a little too drunk to have a coherent conversation with a stranger. He needed to save up those one liners, the words and phrases he’d rehearsed for the party.</p><p>“Glad to see you mate”</p><p>“Excited to see the boys back together again.”</p><p>All he had to do was drop a few of those lines, take a few sips, snap a few photos and then he could just go home. </p><p>Liam rested his head against the window, peeking at the sky and the bars as they passed through the entertainment district. His vision was a bit blurry, but he was able to recognize one of the bars as they approached a stoplight.</p><p>Years ago, when they were still able to go outside without being bombarded by fans Louis and Liam had taken it upon themselves to get away for a while and just enjoy the city.</p><p>They’d picked that bar, the one on the corner that he saw shining in the moonlight now. It was packed now, but when they’d gone it was about half empty. They sat there in the pub sharing stories, talking about their lives before one direction.</p><p>That was probably the night Liam learned the most from Louis and it was also the night Louis learned he could trust Liam.</p><p>That night Liam learned about the quiet side of Louis. How he was afraid of screwing this all up, how he didn’t feel...good enough. He told Liam how he was scared of losing people. That he was scared he’d wake up one day and everything and everyone would be gone.</p><p>Liam didn’t think Louis ever told the others that...his insecurities. If he did, then clearly they’d done a good job hiding it.</p><p>Liam told Louis of his childhood. How he didn’t have a lot of friends besides his cousins and the kids he met at uni. He told Louis how he felt inadequate often, how he felt like he was always trying to make sure people liked him.</p><p>Louis looked at him with sweet eyes. Liam could remember that look any day because Louis continued to use it from that time on whenever they’d have a heart to heart.</p><p>He reached across the table, holding his friends hand gently and squeezing it. </p><p>“I’ll always like you Payno,” he smiled softly.</p><p>Liam smiled, looking down before squeezing Louis' hand back. </p><p>“And I’ll never leave you Tommo,” he replied.</p><p>The two smiled, letting out a light laugh as they finished their drinks and made their way towards the exit.</p><p>Their fun night was sorely ended however by the jackass who called the two of them a homophobic slur on the way out.</p><p>It wasn’t the first time they’d heard it, and it wouldn’t be the last, but there was something about a man ruining such a wholesome night that angered them.</p><p>Louis turned first, asking the man to repeat what he said. </p><p>“You heard me f----t,” he sneered, pushing the older of the boys back. “What are you gonna do about it? Cry to your fairy boyfriend?”</p><p>Louis fell back against Liam's chest. Liam tried to pull him away, but Louis pushed the man back, causing him to get more violent. Louis overestimated himself, thinking he could dodge the swing, but he ended up getting clocked in the jaw and stumbled to the ground. </p><p>It only took Liam a second to intervene, throwing hook after hook at the mans face. As they heard the police sirens ringing in the distance Liam and his now bloodied hand grabbed Louis by the collar and pulled him away in a sprint. </p><p>They ran for what felt like a mile before reaching their apartment. Their chests rising and falling quickly, they leaned against the brick wall to catch their breaths.</p><p>Louis was the first to break their silence, laughing as he slid down to the ground.</p><p>“Where’d you learn to fight like that,” he laughed. The younger boy copied, sitting beside him, holding his bruised hand. </p><p>“Boxing,” Liam smiled. He’d learned when he was young to defend himself from bullies, but to be fair, he’d never actually used it. He just kept the skill in the back of his mind just in case.</p><p>Louis laughed, leaning against Liam, holding his hand gently. “Well I know not to make you angry now yeah?”</p><p>Liam laughed, leaning his head against the others.</p><p>They sat there for a while. It was quiet, but it was peaceful and for a second the pain in his hand went away. </p><p>For a moment things felt peaceful again.</p><p>Liam missed Louis a lot. He knew he was always there if he needed him as was Liam, but it was different now.</p><p>When they were younger their troubles were so much easier to solve. All they had to do was just sit and listen and they’d be able to work through whatever was on their mind.</p><p>Liam used to pour his heart out to Louis. He’d cry and scream about the pain in his heart and his mind. </p><p>Louis would hold him against his chest, telling him that no matter what the issue was, they’d get through it all.</p><p>But now there was so much more.</p><p>Grief, trauma, heartbreak. Fatherhood. Liam didn’t know much about the first two. He tried desperately to be there for Louis through it all. He would sit on the phone for hours with him, hearing the pain in his voice when he spoke of his mother. The same thing came when his sister passed.</p><p>Liam knew that through each of those moments, Louis was facing his greatest fear.</p><p>So he’d sit and listen and ignore the dark thoughts in his own mind because Louis needed him. He’d place those thoughts in the filing cabinet of his mind and pull them out when he was alone.</p><p>He couldn’t put it on his closest friend anymore. His problems seemed so inadequate to Louis that he felt stupid even mentioning them.</p><p>So he wouldn’t.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Liam took a deep breath as the car approached the flat. It was in a wonderful area, Harry had done quite well for himself.</p><p>He looked up, seeing the lights of the top floor apartment flashing through the window. Only the best for Harry, he smiled weakly before entering the building. </p><p>Once upstairs he was greeted by the youngest of the bunch who pulled him in for a tight hug. There were upwards of 60 people laughing and joking around the room. Harry closed the door and went off to return to his conversation. Niall sat on the couch, strumming away to a tune as a few girls stared on, doe-eyed. Liam smirked because he knew Niall had no idea.</p><p>Niall never had a clue when he was getting that attention, especially if he had a guitar in his hand. </p><p>Louis stood out on the balcony, one hand in his pocket as he finished off a cigarette. He turned around and caught Liam’s eye, giving the boy a bright smile. </p><p>“It’s so good to see you lad,” he cheered pulling Liam in for a hug. “I’m so glad you could make it!”</p><p>Louis pulled away, grabbing a beer for him and Liam from the fridge. They cheered before taking a sip. Liam wondered if his friend could tell he’d been drinking already. He wondered if they’d already taken photos and talked with the reporters, or if he’d need to make a speech.</p><p>His questions were answered as Niall whistled for the two of them to come over for a photo. </p><p>Louis quickly downed the rest of his drink, Liam doing the same before following after the boy carefully. </p><p>Harry took control during the interview, answering most of the questions. Liam was grateful for that because right now the only thing keeping him standing up was Louis' arm. Louis poked him gently in his side, signaling it was his turn to speak.</p><p>He stuttered a bit “Uh--yeah really excited to see the boys back together again.” </p><p>He hadn’t even heard the question, but apparently it worked because the interview ended soon after that. Louis patted Liam on the small of his back before the four boys walked to their separate corners, mingling with the guests. </p><p>Liam went back to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of liquor and pouring himself another cup before sitting in the back of the room on a couch near a window. After a few sips someone sat beside him.</p><p>Liam couldn’t see straight anymore, but he assumed he knew this man because he’d just put an arm around him. </p><p>He tried to focus in on what the man was saying. </p><p>“You must be really glad,” he ended his sentence. </p><p>Liam looked at him confused, “Glad for what,” he slurred.</p><p>“Well this is probably the best thing for your career considering your album flopped-,” he droned on. </p><p>Liam nodded and let out a quiet “yeah”.</p><p>“It’s incredible really what the others have done honestly, even Louis who started so late, Walls is basically a masterpiece,” the man continued. “I’m sure they didn’t wanna stop in the height of their careers, but it's nice to see they’re helping you out.”</p><p>Liam didn’t speak, he just nodded. Is that what this was? Something to just..help him? Was he a pity project? </p><p>He didn’t know why he kept drinking, but he did.</p><p>Why did she have to put that thought back in his brain and why did it have to be confirmed tonight?</p><p>He looked around the room, trying to straighten his gaze a bit. All he could focus on was the door though. He left the man sitting on the couch and stood up silently, trying not to draw attention to himself. He peeked around the room, seeing if anyone was watching as he poured what he could find into his cup and walked to the balcony. He slid the glass door open, finding a seat to the right. </p><p>You could see all of London from up here.</p><p>He felt the chills again like he’d felt a few hours prior. It must’ve been nearly freezing outside.</p><p>He breathed into his hands, trying to warm himself a little before standing up. Harry had a rather large balcony. It didn’t have bars like Liam’s did. Instead it was just glass, about 3 feet high. The whole thing wrapped around Harry’s apartment.</p><p>Liam leaned against the railing, feeling the wind rush through his hair. </p><p>He didn’t know why his brain went dark all of a sudden, but it did.</p><p>It reminded him how he felt when Zayn left.</p><p>Broken.</p><p>He remembered that night, feeling like everything they’d been told was a lie. Every hug, every phone call, every text message was a lie. It didn’t matter how many times he was told that Zayn ‘didn’t mean Liam’ in those interviews, he never stopped believing it.</p><p>So he questioned every friendship, every relationship. That’s why he was so careful with the people he gave his heart to, because he was so scared of getting hurt again and he didn’t know if he had the strength to pick up the pieces on his own.</p><p>It was like he was brought back to the darkness again, but truthfully he never really left it. </p><p>He didn’t feel pain anymore, he didn’t feel anger, all he kept thinking about is how she was right, and if she was right about that, then she was right about everything.</p><p>He was nothing more than a broken person. A person who couldn’t keep a relationship...who couldn’t keep friends...who couldn’t make people just...like him.</p><p>His breath went shaky as he gripped the railing. He leaned forward, letting the wind pull him out further and further.</p><p>That’s when he let go over the railing and closed his eyes.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis didn’t know what made him turn at that exact moment, but he’d never sprinted quicker in his life. </p><p>He grabbed the back of Liam's shirt collar, pulling the boy back falling against the glass door. He wrapped his arms around Liam’s waist, pulling the boy against his chest.</p><p>“What the fuck were you doing Payno?” he shouted. Liam let out a sob before turning into Louis' chest. He was shaking uncontrollably.</p><p>“Breathe love, breathe” Louis whispered, rubbing circles on Liam’s back. “I’m here, I’m here okay? Everything’s going to be fine.” </p><p>Louis did his best to soothe the crying boy in his lap. </p><p>He could hear the chatter from inside the apartment as steps approached the glass door. That’s when he heard the familiar irish accent telling people to go home. It was after about 10 minutes or so that the room grew silent again. </p><p>Louis hadn’t let go of Liam, his grip was still tight around the boys waist. It wasn’t until Niall knocked on the side of the door, that either of them moved a muscle.</p><p>Slowly they stood up, Louis guiding the distraught man back inside the house, closing the glass door behind them.</p><p>Liam was completely out of it, his body still shaking, but his brain was jumbled from the mix of alcohol and nerves. Louis kept his arm around Liam’s side, guiding him to the couch, setting him down gently.</p><p>The younger boy just stared forward as his friends circled around him. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he choked out. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, but it was going to take a lot more than deep breathing exercises to get him through this.</p><p>“What happened?” Harry asked first.</p><p>“What were you trying to do?” Louis asked quietly.</p><p>Liam knew they already knew the answer. His eyes were welling up as he looked down at his lap. He started to pick at his nails roughly. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he repeated in a hushed tone.</p><p>Louis reached over and grabbed his hand holding tightly. He looked at Liam. Even though the younger boy was too distraught to look up, Louis kept his eyes on him.</p><p>“What on earth would make you want to hurt yourself payno,” he asked. “W-what happened?”<br/>They let him sit there in silence, the tears dripping down his face as Liam attempted to find the words to explain why he just tried to jump from a 50 story balcony. How could he explain two decades of pain into one moment. </p><p>He cleared his throat and wiped his face on his shirt before taking one last shaky breath.</p><p>“I just wanted it to stop,” he said softly. “I thought if I just ended it..it would just make it all go away.”</p><p>“Make what go away love?”</p><p>“Everything.” </p><p>Harry reached over and grabbed Liams other hand, holding it gently as Liam continued. </p><p>“I feel,” he took a breath. “I feel like I’m constantly trying to fill these holes in my life...b-but every time I think I fill one it breaks inside me.” </p><p>“It’s like I can’t...I can’t get anything right. Whether it’s a relationship or..or music I just...I just keep failing and I-,” he looked up at his friends. “I feel like I’m a waste of a person sometimes.”</p><p>The boys looked on, tears falling from their eyes as they listened to Liam. </p><p>He shook his head.</p><p>“And no matter how hard I try to get these thoughts out of my head they keep coming back,” he cried. “I try so hard to go out and be happy and...and I just...I just want people to like me but I…” </p><p>Liam swallowed his tears.</p><p>“How am i supposed to get people to like me if I don’t even like myself?” he looked towards Louis, lost and broken.</p><p>“I don’t even like myself,” he whispered to himself.</p><p>Louis was the first to pull him in, Niall and Harry following soon after, wrapping their arms around Liam, holding him tightly.</p><p>“I’m sorry I scared you,” he said underneath the hugs. The boys pulled away, allowing Liam to breathe.</p><p>Louis shook his head.</p><p>“Liam...do you know what my favorite thing about you is?” </p><p>The boy wiped his face again and shook his head.</p><p>“You are the most selfless human being I’ve ever met,” Louis said calmly. </p><p>“You’re kind-hearted and gentle and you’re the bravest person we know,” Niall added.</p><p>“And you love with your whole heart,” Harry continued. “You’re strong and you’re warm.”</p><p>“Anyone who knows you, is already the luckiest person because they get to be around you,” Louis poked him gently in his chest.</p><p>Louis shook his head.</p><p>“When my mum died you were there for every second of it,” Louis said. “I didn’t even have to call you, you were just there Liam. You don’t think you’re a good friend for that?”</p><p>Liam bit his lip and nodded gently.</p><p>“When I felt like I wasn’t good enough, like I wouldn’t make it on my own, what did you say?” Louis asked.</p><p>“I said you’ve got all the talent in the world to make it to the top and if you,” he cleared his throat. “If you fall I’ll be there to pick the pieces up,”</p><p>“Pick the pieces up yeah?” Louis said as Liam nodded.</p><p>Louis leaned over and grabbed Liam’s face gently, a hand on each side of his cheek. He stared at the younger boy deeply.</p><p>“I know you think you’re broken inside, and I know I can’t make that go away alright? But I promise you that the three people in this room would walk through fire for you,” Louis said. “You may think you don’t deserve it...you make think you’re not good enough, but good god Payno, I will never stop loving you, do you understand that?”</p><p>Liam nodded, the loose tears still falling.</p><p>“So don’t you ever try to take the person I love away from me okay? You tell your brain they’ve gotta go through me if they wanna hurt you again alright?” </p><p>“Alright love?”</p><p>Liam sniffled once more, forcing a weak smile as he pulled Louis in for a hug. </p><p>“I love you,” he whispered against the boy's chest. “I love all of you so much.”</p>
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